Journey to Baby... Progress!

Wow, it has been quite some time since I wrote a baby update. It's been a long couple of years as we got Brandon's tumor removed, moved back to Utah, and then made the move across the country to Florida. A lot has gone on and at times, our journey to start a family was placed on the back burner. But, now that we are here and settled, things are moving along again!

Last November, I went to see an OB/GYN in Logan. He diagnosed me with PCOS, which for me was such a relief. For years I have felt like something was off. I've had irregular cycles, rapid weight gain, ruptured ovarian cysts, etc. I saw three OB/GYN's before this doctor and they all told me that since Brandon had known issues, we should fix that and they just kind of shooed me out the door. It was incredibly frustrating. To have a doctor really listen to me and finally tell me that I wasn't just crazy was the biggest relief. I started taking Metformin and shortly after my first appointment, we decided we were going to move to Florida. I was a little sad knowing I had finally found a doctor who was listening to me, but I decided to have one last appointment with him to see what he thought our next steps should be. He told me that when we got to Florida, I should go straight to an infertility clinic. So, that's what I did. 

We had our first appointment on June 24th and I left that appointment with a lot of hope. We discussed our thoughts on possibly using a sperm donor, knowing Brandon had had significant issues in the past. I'll never forget what our doctor told me. He said, "Let's not jump there just yet. You married each other in part because you wanted to have kids together. Let's do everything to make that happen before we look into other options." He was right. Especially because we hadn't exhausted all our options yet. We scheduled testing, and finally got the ball rolling. I had blood work done, a scan of my ovaries, and an HSG test, and Brandon had a semen analysis done. We had our follow-up appointment on the 28th of October and I feel hopeful for the first time in years.

Brandon's semen analysis looked great. He had above average levels in every category and Dr. K told him he should have no difficulty fathering a child. Wow. For so many years, after a lot of significantly abnormal semen analyses, hearing those words was a surprise to both of us. It seems that after two years, his tumor removal is finally showing signs of hormone improvements. We are so grateful. So now, our biggest issue is a severe case of PCOS on my end of things. I was re-prescribed Metformin, and next month I will go in for an ovary scan to make sure I don't have any cysts. So long as my ovaries look good, I will start a 5-day period of Clomid and then another scan to check for big enough follicles. If all is well on my end, we will do a trigger shot to release an egg and then hopefully we can make a baby! We will try 4 months of this process and if we aren't successful after that we will move on to the next step. 

I can't believe we're here. 7 years ago this month I officially got off of birth control, and although we had three 7 month long deployments over those 7 years, it has been exhausting and heart-wrenching. I don't know how to process the idea of actually being parents, because for so long I have wondered if it was actually a possibility. I pray that this process is really this simple for us. I pray that it doesn't have to be more invasive, more expensive, and more exhaustive. I debated sharing all of this because it seems like a lot of personal information, but I remember what my grandma told me shortly after we found out I, too, had a pituitary tumor and I wasn't sure what to do; "You know, I might not be able to do anything about it. You think I worry so much but it's only because I care and I'm concerned. And the one thing I can do about it is pray. And you're going to need that. Heavenly Father can help you through this but the more people that can pray for you the more He can help you."

I know that now, more than ever, we need prayers. Prayers for comfort, for the ability to have hope, for all of this to work, and most of all for us to continue to trust in Heavenly Father's plan for us to have a family. I'm so grateful for our friends and family who have come to us over the last few years asking how we were and wanting updates. I am happy to share! It has just felt for a while like there wasn't much to share. And now that we are finally getting somewhere, I feel so excited for our future. We're so grateful for everyone who has continued to pray for us over the years. We know this is all in God's timing and that He has a plan for us! 

Husband & Wife: Twin Tumors

As many of you know, last August, Brandon was diagnosed with a Pituitary Adenoma, or brain tumor. Even though it wasn't a huge shock, it wasn't the most exciting news, despite the fact that we were anxious to move forward and finally have some answers to the complications he had been experiencing. Tuesday afternoon, we finally received confirmation that he will be having surgery on September 27th to remove his tumor. This was quite welcome news, especially considering the fact that we were waiting for me to be discharged from the hospital.

About a year ago, my optometrist noticed that I had swollen optic nerves. He recommended I keep an eye on them, and I went in for another routine eye exam this past June. That doctor noticed they were still quite swollen, and referred me to an ophthalmologist for a second opinion. The ophthalmologist was quite concerned, and ordered an MRI and sent out a referral for me to be seen by a neurologist. I have continued to see the ophthalmolgoist about every 2-3 weeks since the beginning of July. Huge hurrah to TriCare, who as of last Thursday, still hadn't approved my referral to see a neurologist, and by Sunday night I found myself in the ER.

We're really lucky that Brandon's command gave him so much time off work so he could hang out in the hospital with me!

Brandon has been working nights and about 30 minutes after he left for work I started to realize that my right eye was a little more blurry than my left. I got up to see what was going on, and noticed that my right eye was really dilated. Not normal. I texted Brandon and luckily caught him just before he walked into work, and he came straight home to take me to the hospital. In the ER, I was given a second MRI, a Lumbar Puncture (10/10 DO NOT recommend), and then admitted to Tripler Army Medical Center at about 4 am. While at Tripler, I met with another ophthalmologist, a neurologist, and far too many other medical professionals who shined lights in my eyes and checked me for any abnormal symptoms. By this time, my pupil had just about gone back to its normal size and the ophthalmologist basically told me there was nothing he could do because he couldn't see anything wrong, except for my incredibly swollen optic nerves. The neurologist all but laughed in my face as he told me that my MRI results were clear, the lumbar puncture was done incorrectly and so the results weren't valid, and he was pretty sure my dilated pupil was just a result of a migraine or mascara that had gotten in my eye. I tried to tell him that I definitely hadn't had a migraine, and I hadn't worn any makeup all weekend, but he still explained it on my discharge report as a result of a migraine. To say I was frustrated was an understatement.

See how big my right pupil is?!

But it got worse. I was ready to be out of there, especially because "nothing was wrong." So, Tuesday afternoon came and the discharge nurse finally came around to read me the discharge papers. As she was reading along, she said, "The MRI showed a 3mm pituitary adenoma..." Brandon and I looked at each other with this... "Wait, what the hell?" kind of look and let her keep going. When she finished and asked if we had any questions I told her that nobody had mentioned anything to me about a pituitary adenoma and what in the world was that about? She told me that she wasn't sure but that on the recommendations it noted that I needed to follow up with my PCM for an endocrinologist referral.

When we left the hospital all we could do was laugh. How was it even remotely possible that the two of us would end up with the exact same brain tumor within a year? And how in the world did all these doctors tell me that nothing was wrong with me and my MRI results were clear when there was obviously something wrong, so much so that they recommended I see an endocrinologist? I was furious, and I'm still pretty bugged about it.

When I got home I had a missed call. My referral from my ophthalmologist had finally gone through and the neurologist out in town had called. I will be making an appointment there and will absolutely not be going back to see the smarty pants neurologist at Tripler. On Thursday I went to my doctor and got an appointment with an endocrinologist, and I will be meeting with him on September 10th.

Right now, we have far more questions than answers, and truthfully we're still trying to understand and process the news. Up to this point, the only people we've told are our parents and our siblings. But last night, my grandparents called and I knew I had to tell them. I was not ready to share it with anyone else, and I'm honestly still not sure I am. But something my grandma said to me on the phone made me realize I need to. I told her that I was still trying to figure things out and that I didn't want to tell her before I had more concrete information because I didn't want her worrying about something that might not be a big deal. She said, "You know, I might not be able to do anything about it. You think I worry so much but it's only because I care and I'm concerned. And the one thing I can do about it is pray. And you're going to need that. Heavenly Father can help you through this but the more people that can pray for you the more He can help you."

If there's one thing I know, it's that the most reliable thing that has truly gotten me through hard times is the support, love and prayers from my family and friends. I hate asking people for help. I don't like to burden people with my struggles or to cause them more stress and worry. I don't want people to feel bad for me; it drives me crazy. But I also know that to get through whatever we have coming over the next few months, we really are going to need all the love and prayers we can get.

I don't know that Heavenly Father will magically make all these struggles disappear, even though that would be ideal. But I do know that if we give this to Him, He will guide us through it and give us the strength we need to push through and come out better and stronger on the other side. So, I guess that's really all I'm asking for. We are beyond lucky to have the love and support of so many people. Over the last month or so I have been completely overwhelmed on more than one occasion when people have reached out to me or had conversations with me that they can't know how badly I needed. Our family and friends are what have helped push us through some of the hardest days, and I know Heavenly Father will continue to do His work through those around us.

We love all of you who take the time to read this, reach out to us, think about us and pray for us. We truly are so grateful and blessed to have all of you in our lives!


Love,
Harmonie & Brandon

Journey to Baby... Brain Tumors + Our Next Steps

For those of you who have followed our infertility journey or follow us at all on Social Media, you are probably aware of some recent health revelations that have explained our infertility issues! About 6 months ago, while on deployment, Brandon found out he most likely had a Pituitary Brain Tumor. Because the Navy is awesome, they kept him on deployment for the remaining 2+ months and didn't do much to help him out, despite him having severe migraines, nipple discharge, and a whole array of other issues. When he got home, we knew we would be moving within 2 months and assumed, correctly, that his current command wouldn't do much to help him out. We were so excited to move, and prayed that he would finally be in a command with a doctor who cared about helping him out. 

Brandon went in for his flight physical a few weeks after we arrived in Hawaii. After telling the doctor about all the issues he was having, his doctor ordered immediate blood work and a mammogram. His doctor here in Hawaii did more for him during that first medical appointment than his doctor in Washington did the whole time we were there. He had lots of blood drawn and went in the next week for a mammogram. He was also referred to an endocrinologist, who thought he may also have Cushing's Syndrome. He was sent home from that appointment w

ith a steroid that he was to take that would help to determine whether or not he had Cushing's. He went back in after taking the steroid, and the test for Cushing's came back negative. This was quite a stressful time, as a diagnosis of Cushing's would likely mean he would be medically separated from the Navy. Finding out he didn't have it was almost bittersweet. Getting out of the Navy would be a scary, unknown process, but at the same time would likely mean we would move home and be close to family, not to mention the freedom of no longer being in the military. However, he was told if he had Cushing's it could be years before his body regulated and even then, there was a slim chance we would be able to conceive naturally. He does have a Pituitary Brain Tumor, but it is small enough that they are hopeful they can suppress it with medicine, which could work as soon as a couple of months.
 
So, Brandon started taking Cabergoline. We can already see a difference in some things. Some days he has more energy and feels really good, his nipple discharge has decreased significantly, and we are hopeful that progress is being made! He will go back to the doctor in about a week to see how the medicine is helping. 

Here is where I am torn. Since Brandon got home from deployment, we haven't really "tried." I deleted all of my period/ovulation tracking apps off of my phone before he even came home from deployment. It got really hard to consistently be disappointed by negative pregnancy tests, and I just didn't want to deal with the stress of it when he came home. In December, I started to just get this nagging feeling that we needed to try, just for two months, we actually needed to try. So, we decided we would. January came and went without success, and the other day I stumbled upon a quote. 

This hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was home during this past deployment, we heavily considered doing a couple rounds of IUI with donor sperm, but I just wasn't sure I was ready for that. I told my mom I'm afraid that I am so convinced we are going to be able to conceive naturally, that I'm going to pass up the opportunity to have a baby another way. What if I want so badly to conceive on our own that I don't allow myself to try other possibilities? The last few weeks I have had this thought that me feeling like we needed to just really try for two months isn't because I'm going to get pregnant. It's so that I can finally come to terms with the fact that we should probably start pursuing other methods. We're still young, sure, but it's already been over 4 years and I don't want another 4 years to go by just because I wasn't willing to try something else. I think now, all I'm waiting for are Brandon's test results. If they come back and there isn't an improvement in his swimmers, I think I'll know that it's time for us to pursue other options. 

It's hard to let go of a dream. It's hard to accept the fact that, at least for now, we aren't going to have a baby on our own. I'm hopeful that this steroid will help Brandon, and that in the future we will be able to have babies on our own. But for now, I know that if I'm not open to other options, the only thing that is keeping us from having a baby, is me being in my own head. 

We're incredibly lucky to have so much support from our family! I can't thank our family enough for not hesitating at all to pray for us when I ask for it, and even when I don't. Your support and love means more to us than you'll ever know! Keep praying for us, and maybe just pray that I can have the strength to make the right decision for us to be able to start our family!

We love you guys!

Brandon & Harm

Valentine's Day: Portland, Oregon

For a couple of weeks we've been trying to decide what to do for Valentine's Day. We had a hotel booked in Port Townsend, but decided to cancel it. I mentioned wanting to go to Portland for the zoo but wasn't sure what else to do and I never pursued that idea. But a few days before Valentine's, Brandon presented me with a whole list of things to do in Portland, and he booked a hotel!

We left early Monday the 13th, and drove the 4.5 hours to Portland. We went straight to Multnomah Falls, which is about 30 minutes outside of Portland. Brandon was hoping to fly his drone but it was so windy that he decided not to! We didn't even end up walking close to the falls because it was so cold and windy. The falls were beautiful, though, and I'm glad we drove out of the way to see them!

Multnomah Falls

Multnomah Falls

After checking out the falls we headed back to Portland. It was about 1:00 at this point and we were starving! We headed to the Grilled Cheese Grill for lunch. This place is amazing. It's a little food truck that serves all sorts of grilled cheese sandwiches, and then you eat them on an old bus! It was honestly the best grilled cheese I've ever had, and I've eaten a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches! I got a regular grilled cheese, and Brandon had a BLT Grilled Cheese. We got a dessert grilled cheese as well that was on cinnamon swirl bread with nutella, bananas, and cream cheese! To die for! Poor Brandon smacked his head HARD on the bus door when he went to grab our food, despite there being two "Watch Your Head" signs right by the door.

The roof of the inside of the bus was covered in crazy paintings!

Our food!!

Brandon's poor head after he smacked it on the door of the bus!

After eating lunch we headed to some local antique shops! Brandon and I are suckers for antique shops, and the ones in Portland were amazing! I collect Little Golden Books and I found a ton, including a first edition copy of The Alphabet From A to Z! 

Next we headed to the Clackamas Town Center Mall. It was stinking huge! We bought a bath bomb from Lush and ate pretzels from Auntie Anne's, and then went to Dave and Buster's! Dave and Busters is a huge arcade. We're children at heart and love arcade games! We spent the rest of then night playing arcade games, and got some pretty great prizes with all our ticket winnings!

We were exhausted by the end of the night so we headed to our hotel. We stayed in the Portland Inn & Suites which was fantastic. Our room was a fantastic size, with a full bathroom and a Jacuzzi! We ordered pizza and sat in the Jacuzzi for over two hours, haha. I've never been so relaxed in my life! I could've fallen asleep in there, truly, and I almost did.

The next day, Valentine's Day, we slept in, and then got up to head to the Oregon Zoo! This was one of the best zoos I've been to. It was plenty big, and unlike some zoos we've been to, wasn't confusing at all to navigate! It was a little bit chilly so some of the animals weren't out, but the ones that were were so fun to see! We even made it to watch the penguin feeding.

This cute Orangutan had this sheet draped over his head and was just sitting staring at all the people!

After we finished up at the zoo we headed downtown to Glowing Greens, which is a mini golf place! We were terrible about taking pictures this trip, but this place was so fun! It was all glow in the dark and pirate themed. Brandon ended up winning by 3 points, I believe. I'm terrible at golf. We ate Jimmy John's for lunch and then decided we needed to get out of downtown! We are very much fans of small, unique shops. We were downtown with all the ritzy, expensive shops and weren't feeling it at all. So we headed to The Peculiarium! It's a little shop full of super weird stuff! It was really neat and right up our alley!

This is Al Capone's actual safe! Pretty neat!

At this point it was getting to be kind of late, and we still had a 4.5 hour drive home, so we decided to head out! For dinner we decided we were going to stop at Golden Corral. There's one about an hour and a half from our house. We arrived at Golden Corral at 9:04 pm, 4 minutes after it closed. We were both on the verge of peeing our pants and STARVING. I was not happy about it! So we jumped back in the car and decided we would just stop somewhere to use the bathroom, so we ran into Burger King. The Burger King we went into had locks on the bathroom doors that needed a key, and there was no one at the counter, so we left. There was a Denny's only ten minutes away so we decided to stop there for dinner! We finally used the bathroom, and sat down to eat! Service was slow, despite the restaurant being nearly empty, but it was just what we needed!

I'm so glad we decided to go to Portland, even if it was a quick trip! We needed a small vacation before Brandon heads out on deployment, and we're trying to get to all the places on the West Coast that we still want to before we get a new set of orders! There were a ton of places in Portland that we didn't hit, but we hit all the places we wanted to go! 

To see more of our trip, check out our vlog! Krampus Baby! Valentine's Day Vlog

Journey to Baby-The First Steps

We started trying for a baby over three years ago. Given, we have had two-6 month deployments in that time so we haven't quite been trying for three years. I don't think we realized something was wrong until the end of 2014. We watched as people around us started to get pregnant and we kept saying we were next. We had been trying just as long, if not longer, than all of these people so surely we would be pregnant any time. Months kept passing, and we still weren't pregnant. But we hadn't officially been trying for a consecutive year so we weren't yet considered "infertile". Brandon left on deployment in August of 2015 and we decided that when he got home we were going to go see a doctor.

I made an appointment for the week after Brandon got home from deployment in the Spring of 2016. My doctor recommended we have Brandon get checked out first, because usually if the problem is the man it's easier to fix. So, we got a semen analysis order. Brandon went, and when the results came back abnormal they ordered a second analysis to make sure that the results weren't just a one time thing. He went in for the second time, and the hospital didn't test his sample for the right things. So, he had to go in for a third time. My doctor called me and, sure enough, the results were abnormal. She told me that they consider a semen sample "abnormal" when more than 32% (or around there somewhere) of the little swimmers are abnormal. Over 70% of Brandon's were considered abnormal. She gave us the number for Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) and suggested we head there to figure out what to do next.

I started to do some research on SRM to find out if our insurance would cover treatments there. Because it's Brandon with the problem, my doctor couldn't give him a referral. Without a referral, we would have to pay everything out of pocket. So, Brandon had to go to his doctor to try and get a referral. His doctor told him they couldn't do anything until we had a year of documented trying and infertility, which we already had. Brandon went in and did another semen analysis for his doctor, and the results came back abnormal again. His doctor wanted him to do a second analysis to be sure the results weren't a one-time thing. But as you can imagine, Brandon is kind of done doing semen analyses at this point. So, we had his other results faxed over to his doctor. That was over two weeks ago, and his doctor still hasn't called us back. His doctor also had him tested for a variety of different things, including Klinefelter Syndrome. All of his blood tests came back normal, which is good, but also frustrating because we haven't figured out what's going on.

So now we're stuck, waiting on other people so that we can move forward. The only problem is that Brandon is leaving for deployment fairly soon. I'm not sure that we really have time to do anything before he leaves. When he gets home, we will have less than 3 months before we head to a new duty station. It's frustrating because I don't know if we should keep trying to figure out what's going on while we're here, or if we should just wait until we move and really kick it into high gear.

So right now, it's up in the air, which is more frustrating than not being able to have a baby. Feeling like we can't even move forward for almost a year is so hard. We're considering all sorts of different angles, including adoption and getting a sperm donor. Adoption is something I have always wanted to do, and we will probably do it regardless of whether or not we have our own kids. Using a sperm donor is also a tempting option, considering it is much cheaper than adoption and other infertility treatments. Not to mention I could do it while Brandon is gone, even if it might be a little unconventional.

I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant. It's something I struggle with every day, and at this point we're willing to try just about anything. If any of you have adopted or used a sperm donor, I would really appreciate your advice and experience!

-Harmonie

We Bought a Trailer!

So, as many of you probably know, we decided to buy a trailer. Let me explain.

We hated base housing with a passion. We had heard some negative things about it before and after we moved in, but it was really the only affordable option we had when we moved here. At first things were great, but then our neighbors got mean and we experienced some other issues and we just weren't saving money like we wanted to. So, we had started to look around for cheaper places but we couldn't find anything. We basically gave up and just said oh well, and Brandon deployed and there was no way I was moving by myself. A couple months before Brandon got home, the missionaries called and told me they had met a couple who were moving and were selling their mobile home for really cheap. I agreed to take a look, but in my mind there was no way I was buying a trailer! But, after going and looking and long story short, and after some small miracles, we decided we were buying it. I bought the trailer and Brandon got home shortly after. The couple moved out, and we got out of base housing and into our new little home within a couple of days. 

Given, it's a trailer, so it's far from perfect. But we love it. It's small, cozy, and we have a large area for Kilo to run and play in. Not to mention we're FINALLY saving money! We've done a little to fix it up here and there; deep cleaning, re-caulking the tub, etc., but had no real issues until a couple of weeks ago. We jumped in the shower and when Brandon tried to turn it off, it wouldn't turn off all the way. And it wasn't just water that wouldn't turn off, it was the HOT water! So, crap. We started Googling what our issue could be, but knew that we really have to turn off our water source so that the water didn't keep running. We looked everywhere on the internet and apparently nobody knows where the stupid main water supply is on a 1977 trailer. Finally we discovered it was most likely by the water heater, but we didn't know where that stupid thing was either. After looking around, we discovered it is hidden behind 3 sheds about about a 5-foot thick wall of a pokey blackberry bush. Brandon dressed in the proper attire, and went adventuring to access the water heater. 

See? Proper Attire!

Ah! There's the water heater!

He reached it and..... No main water supply turn off handle! So, back to looking for just the water source. We looked EVERYWHERE and could not find it. (Mind you this whole incident took place around 1:00 pm on a Saturday. Brandon had finally gotten a 4-day weekend and we were SO excited to get up and go do something!) So finally we just decided whatever, it's like 10:00 at night, it's dark and we've been going at this all day. So we went and got dinner and when we came back, we took Kilo out to go potty one last time for the night. While out there, we decided to lift up this metal bucket that is upside down on the grass, just to see, right? After pulling out some spider infested insulation, we see it. The handle for the water source! Buuutttt... It was totally covered in spider webs and from what we could see, pretty rusted. So we decided it could wait till the morning. After all, we don't pay our water bill, and by now all the stores in the area were closed so we couldn't fix it anyway.

Obviously, the main water supply source is in here!

Morning rolled around and Brandon got up to work on the problem. He got inside the gross, spider infested bucket and turned the water off. However, we still weren't really sure why the water wouldn't turn off in the first place, so I called the most handy man I know, my daddy! He told us what the problem was, and how to fix it. So Brandon started to take the faucet apart, and went off to Home Depot to get the appropriate parts! He came back and got all manly and handy and fixed it all up, better than new! 

I didn't even have to hire a plumber to get the crack!
I don't know why he's in the Navy. We clearly found
his true calling.

We had to sit and laugh because we hadn't showered since Saturday morning, and been out digging in the dirt, sweating, trying to find our water source, and fixing the stupid tub. Needless to say, the first thing we did was shower. 

We've had quite a few adventures in this little trailer so far. We have crazy neighbors who call their children "Dimbleweed" and "Whiney tit", and threaten to call Animal Control on us if we hurt our dog when we're outside trying to get him to come inside. Apparently running after our dog and trying to tackle him because he's way smarter and faster than us is considered animal abuse. Whatever. 

I guess every day is a new adventure when you live in a trailer park!