Brandon went in for his flight physical a few weeks after we arrived in Hawaii. After telling the doctor about all the issues he was having, his doctor ordered immediate blood work and a mammogram. His doctor here in Hawaii did more for him during that first medical appointment than his doctor in Washington did the whole time we were there. He had lots of blood drawn and went in the next week for a mammogram. He was also referred to an endocrinologist, who thought he may also have Cushing's Syndrome. He was sent home from that appointment w
ith a steroid that he was to take that would help to determine whether or not he had Cushing's. He went back in after taking the steroid, and the test for Cushing's came back negative. This was quite a stressful time, as a diagnosis of Cushing's would likely mean he would be medically separated from the Navy. Finding out he didn't have it was almost bittersweet. Getting out of the Navy would be a scary, unknown process, but at the same time would likely mean we would move home and be close to family, not to mention the freedom of no longer being in the military. However, he was told if he had Cushing's it could be years before his body regulated and even then, there was a slim chance we would be able to conceive naturally. He does have a Pituitary Brain Tumor, but it is small enough that they are hopeful they can suppress it with medicine, which could work as soon as a couple of months.
So, Brandon started taking Cabergoline. We can already see a difference in some things. Some days he has more energy and feels really good, his nipple discharge has decreased significantly, and we are hopeful that progress is being made! He will go back to the doctor in about a week to see how the medicine is helping.
Here is where I am torn. Since Brandon got home from deployment, we haven't really "tried." I deleted all of my period/ovulation tracking apps off of my phone before he even came home from deployment. It got really hard to consistently be disappointed by negative pregnancy tests, and I just didn't want to deal with the stress of it when he came home. In December, I started to just get this nagging feeling that we needed to try, just for two months, we actually needed to try. So, we decided we would. January came and went without success, and the other day I stumbled upon a quote.
This hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was home during this past deployment, we heavily considered doing a couple rounds of IUI with donor sperm, but I just wasn't sure I was ready for that. I told my mom I'm afraid that I am so convinced we are going to be able to conceive naturally, that I'm going to pass up the opportunity to have a baby another way. What if I want so badly to conceive on our own that I don't allow myself to try other possibilities? The last few weeks I have had this thought that me feeling like we needed to just really try for two months isn't because I'm going to get pregnant. It's so that I can finally come to terms with the fact that we should probably start pursuing other methods. We're still young, sure, but it's already been over 4 years and I don't want another 4 years to go by just because I wasn't willing to try something else. I think now, all I'm waiting for are Brandon's test results. If they come back and there isn't an improvement in his swimmers, I think I'll know that it's time for us to pursue other options.
It's hard to let go of a dream. It's hard to accept the fact that, at least for now, we aren't going to have a baby on our own. I'm hopeful that this steroid will help Brandon, and that in the future we will be able to have babies on our own. But for now, I know that if I'm not open to other options, the only thing that is keeping us from having a baby, is me being in my own head.
We're incredibly lucky to have so much support from our family! I can't thank our family enough for not hesitating at all to pray for us when I ask for it, and even when I don't. Your support and love means more to us than you'll ever know! Keep praying for us, and maybe just pray that I can have the strength to make the right decision for us to be able to start our family!
We love you guys!
Brandon & Harm
